Dear Mama

Yo!!! It's Jay here again. I just ate chipotle so I'm feeling great. Stomach is full and I am extremely relaxed, sitting right here on my couch as I type away at my keyboard. If you are wondering, my exact chipotle order is a bowl with the shell inside, brown rice, black beans, fajitas, carne asada, mild salsa, corn, sour cream, cheese and light lettuce. Just in case anyone is ever feeling frivolous and wants to bring me a bowl. Anyways, enough chit chat, let's get to what brought me to this topic:

As a black male in today's society, I think we often face more challenges than a lot of other races, in my humble opinion. And no, I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, or to get any type of special treatment. That doesn't help the situation. I am going to be extremely vulnerable in this article, however, and for the first time, I am not really too worried about the opinions of others on something that, in my mind, is a big deal to me. One of those huge barriers that I, and many people who t look like me face is growing up in a one-parent household. For me, it was mama who was around, and boy, am I glad she was, because I kid you not, this woman is a damn superhero. I jokingly call her “Superwoman” all the time, but as I sit and think about it now, she is the closest thing to a superhero that I have ever witnessed in my life. And she deserves all the credit in the world for everything she has done, not just for me, but other people that we have crossed paths with in our lives. If you want to know who my GOAT is, it's my mama.

So to get to the looming question that I think a lot of you may have: "why was your mother a single mom?" To preface this, I was not old enough to remember the events, so I am only speaking on what I was told, and what is published in public records by the court. October 13, 1999, my father was involved in an altercation with another man, which resulted in that man being shot. My parents lived together at the time, which means I was likely in the house when all of this went down, just 10 days before my 4th birthday. But this was a long-going feud. This is something that shouldn't have ever been an issue... but it was. Long story short, after a long trial and deliberation of a jury on a case that took 5 years, (April 2004), my father was found guilty and the charges brought against him, putting him in the penitentiary for 10 years. It was my father's word against the defendant's, and the jury believed him (which it was entitled to do.)

Wow.

To make matters worse, he was released, and after another incident occurred, was sentenced to another prison sentence, this time for 9 years. I am sure by now you have an opinion of my father, and you are entitled to that, but, I speak to him almost daily and know who he is as a person. He still does his best to be a father in spite of his circumstances, and I love him the same regardless. So just as a quick disclosure before you proceed to read: don't judge a book by it's cover. Much appreciated.

How the hell does a now 8-year old kid process that when he gets home from school now, his father won't be the one outside picking him up from school? Who's going to take me to get my haircut now? Who's going to teach me how to tie a tie? What about dribbling that basketball I cherished with my left hand? What about the conversation when I get my first girlfriend? Then how again at the age of 17, weeks before my high school graduation does the same thing happen again? A privilege that so many people overlook because they never had to worry about those things, but for me, I didn't get that in my life. And I KNOW for a fact that is exactly what made me the man I am today. And my life isn't the only one's life who changed on that day in 2004.

Obviously, it seemed like all odds were stacked against me. I had my mother who at the time was working for the BMV, where she served as supervisor at the time. She oversaw a team of around 6 people or so, and had a lot of responsibility while working there. My grandfather (mom's dad) was starting to get sick as well, so my mother spent a lot of her time over at my grandparent’s house to help to take care of him. She got up every morning, took me to school, came in and talked to all of my teachers, got to work on time, did her job extremely well (you don't get promoted to supervisor of the department being average), picked me up from school, took me back to work with her, took me home, fed me dinner and then helped me with my homework. Every. Single. Night. And she did not miss a beat for ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING.

I played a lot of sports like a lot of kids growing up. I cannot make this up, I can count on one hand how many times my mother missed a sporting event of mine in ANY sport ever since I can remember. She never made me miss a practice, traveled to EVERY AAU tournament with me no matter how far it was, and was basically the team mom to all of us. Every weekend it seemed she was ordering pizzas from the Pizza Hut down the road to feed my teammates and I for our 800th sleepover, but not once did I ever hear her complain about it. She knew it made me happy, she enjoyed seeing my friends and I have a good time, so she just did it. Besides, her favorite activity is to nap, so that meant I could hang with them and she could just go to her room and sleep, (lol). But from that moment when I was eight years old, all the way up until my senior year of high school, she did literally every single thing in her power to keep me on track. And it worked. And she deserves every award known to mankind because of it. Not to mention, she wasn't just doing the bare minimum either. Besides not missing a single game, I got every outfit I wanted, pair of shoes, game system or whatever new gadgets that came out every single time. And again....... never a complaint came out of her mouth. Not once even when my attitude was all sorts of out of pocket. She did it because a mother's love is so natural that she couldn't complain. I am an only child. I knew I meant the world to her (and still do) and that is why she never complained. She made the choice with my father to have me. They decided together that they were ready to bring a child into this world, and God looked out, and all I can say is that I am just thankful to be here.

My mother was HUGE on education as well. My whole 1st-8th grade, I attended Richard Allen, one of the best charter schools in the Dayton area. My mother ensured that I was challenged academically and athletically in everything. I had some great classmates at Richard Allen in both of those regards. My competitiveness may be both my biggest strength and weakness. I HATE losing so much more than I enjoy winning, so anytime something did not go my way, I was frustrated, to the point where I would cry. And my mother knew this, which is why she put me in those situations to help me to grow. Athletically, I played for Dayton Parkside growing up, primarily on the team of the legendary Robert Moses. If you are from Dayton and played any type of basketball, you know who that man is and what he means to a lot of young black men from my age group in the city of Dayton. I never really got to sit down and ever thank Coach Moses for everything he did for me, and the toughness he instilled in me. Having father figures was a huge reason for my development, not having my biological one at home with me every day. People like Coach Moses helped a lot. He did not let me be average. He did not let me slack. He did not let me get away with not doing things the correct way. And he has the wins and accolades to prove that his coaching works, not just in basketball but in life in general. We went to Orlando, Florida for nationals 5 straight years and never finished lower than 6th in the country. Incredible, right? I have so many friends that went and played high level D1 basketball and pro ball, and we all started there with Dayton Parkside... but if it wasn't for my mother placing me in that environment and making me stay there, not allowing me to switch teams because it was too tough or I didn't want to do it anymore, is the reason I was able to have those experiences, and it is one of the things I am most grateful for today in my childhood.

Getting to high school, I went to Archbishop Alter High School for my freshmen-junior year, before transferring to Miami Valley School for my senior year. These were some of the most challenging schools curriculum-wise in the greater-Dayton area, and they were not cheap to attend. But again, mama ALWAYS made sure I was prepared for this world that we live in, so as always, she made a way for me to attend. I think Alter costed around $8,000 or so a year to attend. My senior year tuition at Miami Valley was $18,640! Looking back, that is so much money for a high school!!!! But again, not a single complaint was made, and she made it happen. That curriculum launched me to The University of Toledo where she paid for my first year of school until I earned enough scholarship money to not have to pay anything without taking out any loans. In this day and age, graduating debt free is a HUGE deal. And thanks to guess who (you're right, my mother) I didn't have to pay a single dime out my own money for either high school or college. She didn't make me get a job in high school, she let me enjoy myself while picking up two or three jobs at times to bring in extra money to get me these opportunities. I didn't get a job until I was in college, and that was just to have extra spending money for myself. Mom paid my rent in my college apartments every year. Now that I am 24, I can really sit back and realize everything she has done for me, and can only imagine the type of stress and things she was under. But she never flinched. Never folded. Never gave up and never let me miss a beat, and for that I am indebted to her for the rest of my life.

Mama, thank you for attending legitimately > 99% of all my games growing up. Thank you for allowing me to be a kid, not making me get a job as soon as I turned 16. Thank you for allowing my friends to come over every single weekend. Thank you for constantly uplifting and encouraging me when times got tough. Thank you for making a way to put me in the best schools growing up. Thank you for not making me go into crippling debt just to get an education at a great school. Thank you for buying me not only everything I needed, but everything I wanted as well. Thank you for never wavering at the challenge that you were faced with and didn't ask for, and conquering that challenge with flying colors. Thank you for loving me like no other child could be loved. Thank you for loving my friends and now they call you "mom" as well. Thank you for your tenacity, ferociousness, and intensity to always make sure I never settled to be less than what you knew I could become. Thank you for being you. I know I can never give you back everything that you gave me, but I'll damn sure give it my best shot. If I end up half as good of a parent when I have kids, I know that I will be able to look back and be happy with how life turned out.

I love you forever mama. Thank you. Peace.